My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I'm going on a break. Will be back later.

Have a sunny day, sallams.

posted by Niqabi at 7:26 AM | 4 caw-ments

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Argh! I hate to toil away for hours studying, reading bits of disjointed information that some great big thinker conveniently created for us. If a common man was to read it in one go, it wouldn't even make sense! When will I ever need to use 70% of the sociology I study? I don't think this will be of any use in raising my kids. Don't gape at me like that, everything boils down to marriage and raising your little ones. Its completely natural. Although, admittedly sociology is interesting but not all of it. Infact most of it is drab and colourless.

OK. This isn't about sociology. I shouldn't disgrace the subject with my biased view just because I couldn't finish the assignment in time and now I have to slave on it, which will probably keep me awake till late night. What an eXciting thing to look forward to...

I believe in educating 'myself'. The elementary school is important, without doubt, but at this level, honestly I find newspapers more educational and beneficial. I'm a huge fan of newspapers and I recommend them to anyone who wants an authentic slice of...entertainment. Newspapers cover an endless sea of topics, writing about almost everything under the sun but most importantly its the gripping content that saves them from drowning in dullness. I think the key is in the way they write and present everything, fabricating yet maintaining veracity. Newspapers make you feel like a part of the world, albeit only a mere spectator being tossed about by events but still someone significant, someone worth serving news, someone royal...and I guess I've gone a bit too far in praising.

I know this interest of mine, in reading bland newspapers is uncommon with people of my age, who gladly communicate their dislike for them and even go as far as calling them the epitome of boredom. People want instant gratification and answers, with their lives already spinning out of control, they take respite in reading idyllic books which seem to offer solutions to life or atleast conclude with a pleasant note. Unfortunetly, sizzling romance is one topic newspapers don't quiet cover...

I told you I'm passionate about newspapers...

I would like to be a journalist one day, weaving facts with style and eloquence, but thats a far-fetched dream for which again, I'm required to study. So we're back to sqaure one. Nothing in this world seems to work for you unless you're educated. But what education? How can you define education? You don't necessarily have to go to a top-notch university or an elitest school to be educated, infact you don't even have to go to a university. Its just an approach to life, a way of thinking and delivering your ideas effectively that counts. Atleast thats what I think.

Don't ask me why I don't quit studies then. I guess I'm following, just like everyone else.

posted by Niqabi at 3:04 AM | 3 caw-ments

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Babies and Gentlemen, Ramadhan's approaching, just a few days drive away. Something about it is giving me shades of happiness. Maybe its the colourful idea of being dramatically more practising for a month or simply the thought of some significant change coming my way. I don't know and as long as I'm suffusing gaiety, I don't even care:)

Take care everyone.

Ramadhan Mubarak in advance.

posted by Niqabi at 7:02 AM | 1 caw-ments

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

These days, inspite of drowning in work and everything SAT I still get plenty of time to think and wonder. That is probably because I have mastered the art of multi-tasking and leaving things half-done. I'm a sickly lazy person with no motivation whatsoever for anything significant. Not that I don't have a life, mind you, but just lacking in enthusism, I guess.

Every day I come across people whos lives are lived for the sole purpose of finding a suitable boyfriend or getting straight A's or getting into a medical/engineering college or an art school, etc. Their faces shadowing determination and will to achieve, eyes glinting with anticipation and full of vigour. Their expression suggesting only one thing; conviction. These people, with their directions set straight are following their paths fearlessly. They emanate such unflagging energy that sometimes makes me envious. They're beaming with self-confidence and basking in the assurance of a respectable livelihood. While I stand on the sidelines, eyeing them, enving them and sometimes disgusted by them, silently hoping.

I'm not trying to renounce the attainment of any of the above. I'm only trying to compare and analyze my situation and see where I stand.

Now what do I have?

I will, due to obvious reasons not end up in a medical/engineering college, I am not likely to cling to a boyfriend for any support whatsoever and I will never get straight A's. That's a promise! I'm not being a bitter pessimist here, I'm only voicing reality. The only thing that I have is the strengh I draw from practising my religion. Would that be enough to help me sail through life? Would it protect me from all the harshness that comes with living? Would it give me the peace I seek? Would it provide me everything that I will ever need?

Hopefully it will because my life depends on it :)

posted by Niqabi at 7:22 AM | 11 caw-ments

Monday, September 19, 2005

I'm finding it a tad hard to write about personal experiences and stuff without crossing into extremely personal. You can't really limit your writing but if you do that it loses its 'truthful streak' or essence or whatever.

I'm sitting here glumly, trying to word out my thoughts. I would love to have long, intimate conversations with people in real life but I feel totally inadequate and inept. How can writing ever compensate for that, han? It can't. It just can't. Words don't come out as effectively as they're supposed to. You try to accentuate a concept, a dilemma, a thought and despite all your efforts it falls down flat; dead and bland. And besides, writing is such a long and trecherous process. Wouldn't it be better if we could just talk and pour everything out?

Sometimes life strikes me as rather gloomy. This thought makes its appearance only when I'm procrastinating like a lazy toad, delaying work and anything urgent. An idle mind wanders off and ends up with nothing but more confusion. For days and days, under the full moon of high expectation you wait for something to happen. Something that blows life into your soul and makes your existence worthwhile. Then one day, everything goes wild and berserk. Your hopes get crushed somewhere in the middle. You just stand silently, crying inside, wondering why couldn't things work out for you? Why is there always so much pain and hurt to bear before all achievements?

There are little things in life that mean the world to me but often when I find myself desperately failing in achieving them, it breaks me down. I don't need sympathy or encouraging words, I just want to get there now. Fast.

There are a multitude of truths that can't be said because they lead to uneasy thoughts but this one's been suffocating for far too long, it needs fresh air.

posted by Niqabi at 5:56 AM | 4 caw-ments

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

My cousin thinks I'm revealing too much of myself on the blog. Is that true? Fortunetly yes, for once. Ofcourse I do realise when I say personal stuff about myself which no one, other than a few close friends should know. But sometimes opening up to complete strangers is not a bad idea. I like the feeling of being transparent somewhere, to let people see, understand and assume things about me based on who I am, in reality.

I've got to stop pretending to be cheerfully happy all the time. It took me ages to realise that its no matter of shame to publicly accept that you have your ups and downs, highs and lows. To feel sad, hollow or just depressed once in a while is not a sign of abnormality! I should be able to accept it as part of myself. You can't run the world the way you want, you're bound to be sad/angry at one point or another. It happens and its better if we accept it and let it roll over to the other side. I mean even if you're basking in the sweetness of a recent event or gesture, the thought of your grave is bound to make you sad. You can't escape sadness but you can choose the way you want to deal with it. I thought the best way was to mask it. A thoroughly rotten approach, I tell you. If you keep concealing your sadness, you'd end up completely screening all your emotions, which shuts you down and alieniates you from the rest of the human race. So after experiecning alot of the above, I think if you can unwrap yourself, emotionally speaking, do it. Its relieving, way better than bottling all that hurt and sorrow inside because eventually it turns into this disgusting mass that eats you up.

I'm going to write it all out. Right here...

posted by Niqabi at 7:44 AM | 10 caw-ments

Friday, September 09, 2005

I've just finished reading a book called ' The black Album' by Hanif Kureshi. The author has traces of pervertism-if thats a word- but he writes interesting stuff. His basic theme is adultery or pre-marital sex around which he weaves an absorbing story. But his novels are based on the lives of very ordinary people, their fears, desires, hopes, ideas etc. and thats the bit that makes his stories relatable. Also he is a very, very honest writer, sometimes making reality a bit too bitter.

In this book, he writes about a twenty something guy, who has recently left his house and dysfunctional family to study at some college in London. The guy is born n bred in Britain but is ethnically a Pakistani, is dark-skinned and faces racism almost every day. He has horde of experiences and stories to tell, has been through an unhappy childhood and hence is comitted to writing, literature and art. He feels isolated and dejected by the society and in an attempt to fit in, tries all sorts of ways, goes against all social, moral and religious conventions and is generally rebellious. He goes through a multitude of phases, most of which are self-created and at one point completely changes himself. From a mild, harmless teenager he changes into this angry, ready to stomp the world person who's circling in that round of despair where you don't care a bit what happens to you or anyone else. Instead of protesting against racism, he embraces it, just to have the priviledge of degrading people. He can't be accepted in a society that discriminates on the basis of skin colour and that leads to more frustration. Although, I cannot relate with him in this aspect, I've never felt as pathetically confused as he did, nor have I lived in a country where I'll always be someone from somewhere else. But I've always felt like a misfit. And I feel like adding up some synonyms here so I'll say nervous, self-conscious and vulnerable too.

Although gladly, racism is not the main topic, its mentioned only as a social issue, something which he faces everyday but has also become a part of his living. Its his efforts to achieve peace, satisfaction, recognition and contentment that makes his character relatable.

Ok, I'm not stupid enough to spill the entire story, I'll just say that he ended up worse off than he was before.

Khyr, what I found disturbing about him was that he had used religion as a refuge, as a means of escaping from the reality. Just when things got out of hand and too hard to bear, he thought religion would save his drowning life. Alot of people think that if everything goes down the drain for them, they will still have their religion to fall back on. And just by doing a few prayers here and there, they can make it to heaven. They think of it as something that is sacred and pure but cannot be implied in their own lives. That completely negates the idea of Islam. It is not something to be cast aside or hidden away, but a way of leading your life. It doesn't preach isolation from the people, but something that is to be practised while being a part of the society, something that is very much alive and real.
As its said:

Our religion isn't something you can test out, like trying on a suit to see if it fits. You have to buy the whole outfit!

Phew, I'm done. And please don't disagree with me because I don't have the energy to fight.

P.S: Actually this entry was supposed to be about me, but somehow it drifted from the topic. I've filled the air with my thoughts....inhale.

posted by Niqabi at 10:40 AM | 15 caw-ments

Monday, September 05, 2005

Not to be able to write something worthwhile is depressing. I want to believe that I'm going through a writers block but thats not applicable because I'm not a writer and neither am I aspiring to be one. I realised my inability at producing anything lucid and sensible, a long time ago. If something like writing doesn't come naturally to you, don't push it. Leave it and it might develop with experience but don't burn yourself trying to improve. And besides how can one improve a non-existent skill? I'm glad I was quick to realise that or otherwise I would've been churning out mindless philosophies filled with dictionary-copied difficult words, hoping to make a name for myself.

I want to read newspapers, loads of them. Truck full of newspapers from all over the world, ofcourse only in English.

I want to print a nice article for someone but a) I don't have any article in mind and b) for whom to print? So few people cherish printed sheets of...text.

I want to eat peaches. But not alot because then I'll have to write another blog post on how badly my stomach reacted to it.

I want to sleep for long hours, waking up to find winters. I hate summers. I can sacrifice my peaches and other fruits for winters. People who think fruits compensate for the heat we have to bear in summers shouldn't be allowed to speak. Thats plain nonsense.

I want to read something mundane.

I want to use alot of cliches.

I want to own thick, bushy eyebrows that sway with the wind and cool off my forehead sweat.

I also want to own an air-conditioned abaya that gives out extra-chilly winds all day and doesn't have an outlet.

I want to learn Adobe, because yesterday I decided thats going to be my next passion.

I want to make another blog template for myself, but presently I'm feeling inadequate, lol. I love this word.

I want to make a phone call, a really long one, after which I feel amazingly fresh and chirpy.

And I really want to end this post now.

posted by Niqabi at 6:44 AM | 7 caw-ments

Friday, September 02, 2005

Saturdays are going to be better now. Alot better. After, what seems like years, we'll finally be able to have the entire day just for ourselves, without any distasteful sociology interruptions in the morning. The teacher couldn't hack the pressure of 13 girls protesting against this horrible regime of having classes on Saturday, day after day and finally gave in. The reality will take time to sink in but I'm sure once it does, I'll be ecstatic.

In other news, our school's Headmistress didn't agree to the idea of including recitation of the Holy Quran during the assembly. I think its her own rotten attempt at being liberal. She probably thinks its all part of the broad-minded curriculam but her imitation just crossed from unpleasant to disgusting. I mean this is the Islamic Republic of Pakistan and we're not even allowed to recite Quran for two minutes. We're all mentally enslaved to such an extent that we give preferance to some random, trashy, philosophy book over the greatest book on earth. We give preferance to planting more trees than to reading Quran. We give preferance to joining some NGO for womens rights over our Holy Book. We think its better if we just don't read it at all because we need more community work than idle reading and lecturing. We don't want the almost non-existent non-muslims in our school to feel marginalised because apparently, they'll be strongly offended if we, Muslims read our book for just two minutes in the assembley. God the logic is killing me! Its so wonderfully crafted that I don't know how can I ever find the ability to challenege it.

That was our Muslim Headmistress with a Muslim name, living in a Muslim state. We're Muslims but that part of our existence should be thrown off in the background. We're Muslims but just not only in appearance, ideas and actions.

posted by Niqabi at 7:31 AM | 8 caw-ments
Name: Niqabi
Location: Lahore, Pakistan
Occupation: Housewife
Religion: Islam
Interests: World War II, Jews, Hebrew, ancient sites, Muslim rule in Spain, revolutions, Vatican city and Islamic literature.
Books: The black album, Portofino, Ladies coupe, In beautiful disguises, The buddhist of Suburbia, The hidden life of Otto Frank.
Contact: niqabified [at] gmail [dot] com
Quote: "We plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners"

Previous Posts