My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

To post or not to post is the right question


And this is not even a proper question so you're better off without asking it. And I don't know why I'm writing such a lame post, probably outav habit. And you don't know why you're reading such a lame post, to kill time? And besides the lameness,I really want to get ill now, get a cough, flu, tissues here n there. I long to get that feeling. That dull ache throughout my body.Tsk. Khyr, ATY writes really well. And it surprises me that people still get freaked out when I lie to them. They should know by now that my life without lieing is like a toilet without flush or something to that effect. Its not a lie lie, I usually do it for the tsk-tsk-poor-dahling-fell-for-it feeling, which is polite. I have an unusual name as well, thats what I got after going through 10 sections of mind baking questions, besides the result. I want to kill Mirza Ruswa and passport people.
Still not going to India.
Never going to India.
Bus is still beautiful.
I want to write a letter!
Dates are important, very important
26 th February'2004 *mourning*
Life is good when you're standing on a sea-saw.
Life is even better when you quickly jump off and the other person falls down, cursing.
But Life is best when you shove things down your friend's collar :P

Do I care what you think of this post? Or if I do, will I admit it??Han, han, han, han??

posted by Niqabi at 3:51 AM | 5 caw-ments

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Everything spiralling out of control !!!

The internet is not working. Hence, I'm blogging. I'm not supposed to blog because I'd just posted yesterday and I need to control myself before it gets too late and I spill out everything. So talking about today, it was partly wonderful and partly depressing. Wonderful because I had a long nice chat in the bus and the sun was relatively mild. The weather has alot to do with my moods. The economics class went smoothly, didn't run into any quick show-me-your-work-sir-is-coming kind of thing. He taught, I daydreamed and labelled my smilies. Just the way it goes.Urdu - I don't even bother to bring my bag in the class anymore. Its completely useless to drag myself to the class everyday when all I'm going to do is talk or write pathetic letters to myself.Although I didn't do any Urdu but I did manage to do some mechanics with a red pen. After half an hour of some mind gruelling questions, my brain rebelled and I decided to take a trip to the toilets. Found the toilets too boring and decided to come back. There after, life got depressing and I thought about quitting this school altogather.
Firstly, we're not going to India. I mean I was already there in my imagination ! Its sad how everything turns out to be a complete mess even when we're trying so hard. It isn't about India, actually its about this whole can't-have-anything-good-in-our-lives thing. It turns out that all the boring stuff in the world is always best for us.
My dad was utterly shocked to recieve this pleasant news. I guess he was too sure we'd go. He kind of over-reacted or maybe I'm too numb these days.
But anyway, this post is getting way too sad. Besides all this, I'm reading a book called 'Patchwork planet' written by Anne something. Its a very ordinary book about a very ordinary,divorced guy who's life is a complete mess. I lurve it ! I like everything mundane and anything that is NOT philosophical. Its not finished though, my classes keep disturbing me. Perhaps one of these days, I'll bunk a class and finish it off :D.
I'll skip the whole depressing part of the school and jump to the bus ride. Thats one thing that I enjoy laods because I'm not obliged to talk and I can doze off any time I want. Because of my oh-so-pleasant mood, my cousin decided that I should drop by her place and we should do something-like eat good food. Obviously I said yes without giving it a second thought. When we got home, I didn't have anything to do so I browsed the newspapers and went upstairs to check my mail.

My post abruptly ended here for a reason I know not, but anyway it did. I'm writing after a day. Everything that I whined abt above pales in comparison to what happened today. I've never in my life felt so hurt, so pathetic, so miserable, so wretched, so crushed, so suicidal !

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten--BLAST, I'm gone-salams.

It is impossible to communicate the beauty of scars to those who have other ways to cope. But they are beautiful. They are symbols of my strength. And I am strong.
I'm trying to explain something that doesn't really go into words that well but I've
resolved to try my darnest to beat the habit before I do myself any REAL damage...

posted by Niqabi at 8:02 AM | 5 caw-ments

Thursday, February 17, 2005

The usual.

I just got back home from a long strenuous bus journey, not to forget the usual hectic humdrum at school too. I don't know about others but for me its exhuasting enough to be at school. Although today I just had one class at eleven.
Right now I'm sitting on the pc and my mum is calling me for every possible chore in the world. I'm not allowed to show my irrittation because...
My cousin is giving me company although I've hinted her time and again that I'm busy, I'm working, getting your company is the last thing I want. But she has chosen not to get my drift. She is asking me all manner of questions and wouldn't settle for a 'hmmm' or 'haan' or 'waqy!' or kyoon?'. Isn't that annoying that sometimes people fail to see that that they are not WANTED? I mean its rude to point it out, obviously thats why we have gestures and frowns etc. Honestly I'm at great pains to show that I'm listening to her. She knows I'm occupied and she knows that its hard to carry on a chat in real life and online but still she wouldn't stop. I think she enjoys to see me stuck in awkward situtaions, where I have to choose between the internet and my cousin. But ah poor girl...doesn't have a clue that I'd OBVIOUSLY give preferance to...yes-you are right. To add further misery, she's placed her feet on my lap-talk about frankness! I wouldn't have minded that at all had they been less stinkier! I don't blame her, honestly I don't. I know how its like to have stinky feet. I've had them just too often. With all the rain and clouds recently, I know how she could get such a ridiculous smell. Its okay to be stinky as long as you're not giving anyone else's nose a hard time. When the stink first hit my nostrils, I thought it was just me being myself but on further sniffing, I realised that it had that distinct foreigness and it didn't take me much time to detect the source. Either my immune system failed to work or the smell was actually a lost case- that I don't know. But in any case I wish people could be a tad-bit considerate. So I'm forever whining about people, isn't it? I wasn't to blog about this. I had a completely different thing in mind but then this cousin came and I thought the best thing would be to record my grievances about her.

Lately I've noticed that there is always someone not talking to someone or someone not talking to everyone or everyone not talking to someone. You can tell when people are not talking by the way they pass each other. They'd roll their eyes over and over again, until the other person has clearly seen the disgust.In an effort to ignore they'd intently look at something which doesn't deserve a second glance, say for example a crow-the unspoken words are ' the crow is more worthy of my attention than you'. Or another trick is to observe the guilty party with an air of detachment making it clear that it wouldn't matter if you live or die. I know the tricks and I get the drifts because I've been in and out of this just too many times. I'd like to go over to people, tell them I'm sorry and say that I didn't 'intend' to hurt them but as usual my courage fails me when I need it the most. Sometimes even desperate attempts of reunion and countless apologies don't make any difference.

posted by Niqabi at 6:23 AM | 1 caw-ments

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

University degree

So well I messed up the codes, I s'pose. But its still readable.

The University of Blogging

Presents to

An Honorary
Bachelor of

Majoring in
Cheesey Memes
Dr. GoQuiz.com


Blogging Degree
From Go-Quiz.com

posted by Niqabi at 7:00 AM | 2 caw-ments

Monday, February 14, 2005


Few important events of the week:

-Anisha's sister's wedding-11th february'2005.
-SAT exam(fake one)-12 th february'2005.
-Em Tiddi having fever + cough + sore throat.
-My glory days started on 10 th february'2005.
-My glory days finishing on 17 th february'2005.
-Mrs.Fool was caught.
-Called Em Tiddi.
-Guilt trips by Chij-bachee.
-Lies caught by Chij-bachee.
-Started another blog.
-Offered for maidship.
-Dreamt of getting beaten up by Tiddi's mum.
-Accidently left an artistic piece of ermm...nature as a result of my glory days, on my sis's study table.(Its ok if you don't understand what i mean)
-Regretting that loudly in the middle of my economics class.
-Getting home and finding 'it' to be neatly placed next to my clothes.Urghh!

Yeah, thats all.

posted by Niqabi at 7:34 AM | 9 caw-ments

Friday, February 11, 2005


So like its friday today and like I have to go to school tomorrow as well-which is like a SATURDAY and like I so don't want to go but like I have to because like I don't know where I'm headed to in life and like apparently this thingy at school will give me an idea or sommmet like actually I wouldn't even care if I end up being the way I am - a nobody but like no one accepts that so like I have to go and try and see how things go and like there's another matter bothering me which is like not so pleasant but like its bugging me loads who the heck is that fool like I know he/she is a sad sad person who's got like nothing better to do in life but like still 'who' is he/she I know he/she is well chuffed to see his/her name on the post but like I don't care like I don't give a crap to what he/she may think but besides that the bus is like alot of fun we-me and my cousin enjoy it like loads I'm not too sure about her but like I really do enjoy it even if its like sitting on my bum for 2 hours and like staring at passing stuff but I like that because it gives me time to think and wonder like why this bus HAS to end up in like school everyday and like why not anywhere else I mean like I'm willing to pay them Rs.5 or so if they take me to the mountains or something like that I would love that but like the bus driver is too TTish or like whatever I don't know too much but like school is fine and like the weather was too but like then the sun HAD to show its face which I didn't like at all and like I whined about it too but like that didn't help either and like I asked my friend something not too pleasant and like she got pretty upset about that which like I realised later and like I felt sad too and like didn't actually want that awkward silence but like it somehow happened and like you know completely on its own like I know I shouldn't have but I did so like I'm really sorry about that too dear I'm like not so good at comforting people because I don't know I just am not like that I know I've got a stingy personality like I'm mean in some ways and like I'm rude too sometimes but like I'm honestly not all that bad like I care for all my friends like alot and like even if it isn't evident I know it isn't you should all like believe me because if you don't that will like break my heart into a billion peices so like I've said what I wanted to in a like very articulate manner I s'pose so like I best end my post here and like pweese don't be mad at me for anything I said because like just please don't.
So like sallaams and like kissies on the like ears.

posted by Niqabi at 10:52 AM | 6 caw-ments

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Em Tiddi's knight.

This one's for Em tiddi-her knight in his shining bright RED armour.:P Posted by Hello

posted by Niqabi at 12:36 PM | 4 caw-ments

My prince charming. Posted by Hello

posted by Niqabi at 3:06 AM | 1 caw-ments

Thursday, February 03, 2005

3 rd February'2005 - emotional trips to the toilet.

Due to a sudden blasting and mind bloggling event I have decided to cut my break short. I simply had to write this. I'm sorry. I know you're laughing at me now, especially you Chij, but khyr its ok, because thats what you do most of the time. Don't act like a TT and get all teary because you know I'm just joking.


She yelled at me so hard I thought I was gonna hit her. The other option was to cry but I try my utmost not to do that sort of thing at school. Reasons are beyond your comprehension. I completely understand that she was very upset about her brother but why did she have to shout so loud in order to ventilate her worries?I wasn't in the least bit expecting her to stride towards us with that frowned face in that equally frowning sun and yell at us. I can take the yelling as I usually do with my mother but the insult--she simply crossed the line. I've probably never been this much insulted in my entire life. OK, that was exaggerated. I've had my share of insults but they all pale in comparison with the one today. And for once, my habit of chewing whatever comes to my hands paid off. This time it was a Freddo's wrapper idly lying on the ground that served the purpose of my ventilator. Don't get the impression that I ventilate on wrappers, I'm honestly not that sad. But it did distract me.

Since I hadn't spoken one word all throughout the conversation except for saying that I'm not laughing, I needed to do something about my pent-up frustration. Which I eventualy did, with the help of my friend's neck. Do I need to say any further? Yes I used her neck and my hands to get that FULL BLASTING EFFECT :P Don't worry, she's among the living.
Also I'm going to be more inconsiderate from now on. I know my consideration for other people is already short to start with but it always give me more grief than relief so I best get rid of it.

The bottom line is, I shall continue chewing paper and all sorts of crap , come what may.

posted by Niqabi at 4:08 AM | 8 caw-ments
Name: Niqabi
Location: Lahore, Pakistan
Occupation: Housewife
Religion: Islam
Interests: World War II, Jews, Hebrew, ancient sites, Muslim rule in Spain, revolutions, Vatican city and Islamic literature.
Books: The black album, Portofino, Ladies coupe, In beautiful disguises, The buddhist of Suburbia, The hidden life of Otto Frank.
Contact: niqabified [at] gmail [dot] com
Quote: "We plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners"

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