Million Miles

My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Everything spiralling out of control !!!

The internet is not working. Hence, I'm blogging. I'm not supposed to blog because I'd just posted yesterday and I need to control myself before it gets too late and I spill out everything. So talking about today, it was partly wonderful and partly depressing. Wonderful because I had a long nice chat in the bus and the sun was relatively mild. The weather has alot to do with my moods. The economics class went smoothly, didn't run into any quick show-me-your-work-sir-is-coming kind of thing. He taught, I daydreamed and labelled my smilies. Just the way it goes.Urdu - I don't even bother to bring my bag in the class anymore. Its completely useless to drag myself to the class everyday when all I'm going to do is talk or write pathetic letters to myself.Although I didn't do any Urdu but I did manage to do some mechanics with a red pen. After half an hour of some mind gruelling questions, my brain rebelled and I decided to take a trip to the toilets. Found the toilets too boring and decided to come back. There after, life got depressing and I thought about quitting this school altogather.
Firstly, we're not going to India. I mean I was already there in my imagination ! Its sad how everything turns out to be a complete mess even when we're trying so hard. It isn't about India, actually its about this whole can't-have-anything-good-in-our-lives thing. It turns out that all the boring stuff in the world is always best for us.
My dad was utterly shocked to recieve this pleasant news. I guess he was too sure we'd go. He kind of over-reacted or maybe I'm too numb these days.
But anyway, this post is getting way too sad. Besides all this, I'm reading a book called 'Patchwork planet' written by Anne something. Its a very ordinary book about a very ordinary,divorced guy who's life is a complete mess. I lurve it ! I like everything mundane and anything that is NOT philosophical. Its not finished though, my classes keep disturbing me. Perhaps one of these days, I'll bunk a class and finish it off :D.
I'll skip the whole depressing part of the school and jump to the bus ride. Thats one thing that I enjoy laods because I'm not obliged to talk and I can doze off any time I want. Because of my oh-so-pleasant mood, my cousin decided that I should drop by her place and we should do something-like eat good food. Obviously I said yes without giving it a second thought. When we got home, I didn't have anything to do so I browsed the newspapers and went upstairs to check my mail.

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My post abruptly ended here for a reason I know not, but anyway it did. I'm writing after a day. Everything that I whined abt above pales in comparison to what happened today. I've never in my life felt so hurt, so pathetic, so miserable, so wretched, so crushed, so suicidal !

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten--BLAST, I'm gone-salams.

It is impossible to communicate the beauty of scars to those who have other ways to cope. But they are beautiful. They are symbols of my strength. And I am strong.
I'm trying to explain something that doesn't really go into words that well but I've
resolved to try my darnest to beat the habit before I do myself any REAL damage...

posted by Niqabi at 8:02 AM

2 Comments:

Maha said...

I wish I could say something comforting here, but I can't.
I just hope you feel better 'coz I promise it'll get better soon, Insha'Allah!!
Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug Hug

*i typed that...and i mean it too-i hope my little hugs can help you a little bit! Feel better!!:)*
loveya niqabi:)

2:44 AM

Niqabi said...

okay, now I've finally got the chance to 'reply' to all the comments.

Chij-bachee:
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you very very much. And your hugs mean ALOT to me.

Em Tiddi:

Its ok, I understand 'cant-say-anything-comforting' thingy more than anything! But its the 'gesture' that counts. And alhamdolilah I'm better. Jazakallah for the real-life-embrarrassed-near-the-bus-outside-school-hug as well.:P

Evil Guava: You've got a literary blog-name !:P I'll take your advice-it was wrong to dream, I know. Won't do that in future insha'Allah. Jazakallah for dropping by :D

salaams.

I love you all!

6:28 AM