My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

There's alot of falling-in to do right now after the unfortunate blog post incident. So many relationships to fix, so many twisted riddles to solve, so many emotions to be worded out, so many grudges to be washed and most importanly so many apologies to be made.

The air is thick with misunderstanding, dissappointments and misinterpretation. But gladly, atleast its in the air now, open to everyone.

Occasional friction with friends is part of the package and natural I guess, making one more aware, conscious and careful. Clearly, I don't want to be too negative. I don't regret writing what I wrote. I'm glad that I came to know the truth. I'm glad that it turned out differently. I'm glad that someone came forward to clear something. I'm glad that it happened. But the downside is that a very dear friend got hurt in the process. Its painful to realise this but whats more aching is that how can one apologise for something that hurt so deeply?

I know it was sharp, probably too judgemental and too tacklessly written. I never intended to hurt you and none of it was written with you in mind. If I had problems with you, I would come and talk them over instead of writing all that on a public blog! Err...which is exactly what I'm doing now but don't worry no strangers come here, anyway! I'm just so sorry for hurting you.

And Z, I won't intentionally be casuing her grief (lol) in any way and neither will I be taking over her so don't worry and don't feel threatened.

Jazakallah for being there. Luve youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

posted by Niqabi at 6:49 AM | 2 caw-ments

Monday, August 29, 2005

There is so much social change going on in here. I can hardly bear it. I don't care if this can be categorised as social change but it is a huge change by all standards. Slowly and steadily, people are accepting it. And what exactly am I talking about?

The girlfriend/boyfriend culture.

Now you see more people having pre-marital affairs than say, 25 years ago. Now you see more parents approving of these relationships. Now you see more ugly girls getting married to handsome boys and vice versa. Now you see more unmarried/unengaged-girl-boy eating out together, strengthening their friendship. Friendship leads to love (though not always, sometimes it leads to disaster but mostly between the opp. sex, yes) and love leads to marriage and marriage leads to kids or divorce. A truly happy ending isn't it.

But, islamically speaking this is all wrong. Completely forbidden. It comes down as a hard fact but thats the way it is. No maulvis are twisting anything, no mullahs are dishing out their own narrow-minded fatwas here, nobody's changing the rule. Often we accept parts of religion that suit us or go according to our tastes, leaving the rest for God knows who to follow and then accusing the maulvis for making islam so difficult. I agree that sometimes the masjid imams or other people who are assumed to be knowledgable about Islam use it for their own advantage too, but thats not always the case. Sometimes the rule as it is, is hard to follow and hence more rewarding.

posted by Niqabi at 8:15 AM | 25 caw-ments

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Sometimes you're doing the most mundane of things, like trying to squeeze toothpaste out of the tube or rubbing your thumb against a desk or simply looking intently at your finders, when something suddenly clicks and everything becomes clear. The world gets together and starts to make sense. Whatever the thought is, hits you and shakes you out of your own narrow, limited view. It comes as a spray of fresh water that gives you a new start, washes your blended vision, helps you cross the surface, beneath where, everything is crystal clear. Sometimes all we need is a fresh start to fix our problems.

I've heard of this instant surge of sanity crossing through our bodies but never quiet experienced it. It must be....enlightening.

posted by Niqabi at 4:42 AM | 5 caw-ments

Sunday, August 21, 2005

For some odd reason, I don't feel like whining here anymore. This doesn't mean that I've stopped whining altogether but that I've found other ways. Plus, I think there comes a time in every blogger's life (lol, sorry im making this too serious) when he/she realises that a public blog is after all, public; open to judgement and assumptions. In a way, it limits your written thoughts. Please agree with me.

There are certain things that need to be discussed.

I'm not a very experienced person when it comes to friendship, and the fact that I had a disastrous fight just a few months back with people I could never dream fighting, explains it well.

But still I've realised that...

People don't care about other peoples feelings. They trample over them, crush them to bits, leave without feeling an ounce of remorse but what's worse is that they try to justify their actions. They give ridiculous explanations laced with selfish and egotistic phrases. Such discussions are a real eye-opener and almost always very shocking. Yes, I'm trying to make a point here.

The myriad of people I've come across are amusing and interesting, warm and kind, caring and loving but then I can never be sure that the moment I leave them, they wouldn't discuss ways of getting rid of me. Why should they be any different to me? If they're capable of bad mouthing anyone, no matter how sweet or warm-hearted he/she is, why would they not belittle me while Im gone? Hypocrisy is so deeply rooted in their minds, that they have to fight to overcome it.

There are rules, I've heard. Etiquettes for befriending people. If you want to enter a circle of friends and make space for yourself, the first step is not to enter voluntarily. Make it seem to have happened by chance. Do not just walk into a group and pretend to be a part of it, even if you do find their attitudes somewhat welcoming. Thats just a game. Never forget that our world is full of pretentious people, like you and me. We all want others to believe that we are polite people. They're probably only trying to tell you to stop bugging them whilst maintaining their sweet mannerism. Don't seem too eager and be intelligent enough to take hints, even those cleverly disguised as jokes.

Most people think that just by cracking a few jokes here and there, they can slip in. Entering a group is not a piece of cake, you have to work hard on it.

Don't get decieved by ear-to ear smiles, they melt just as soon as you turn your head. You must be humble enough to accept that you're not always welcome. There are certain people in all groups, who are fiercely possesive about their friends. Their blood boils at the sight of a new comer fleeing away with one of their friends. That is the greatest sin one can commit in social life.

Its generally assumed that older friends have a greater right. But friendship is not directly related to time.

If you think people have started to accept you as part of their group, still don't take advantage. Never prolong your stay. But incase you catch a flying hint or a degrading remark about being a parasite...

Just flee.

Don't take part in any of their outside school plans unless you're asked, not once but many times. If you're asked once that means you're asked only for the sake of courtesy. Don't tell yourself not to be so negative all the time. There are reasons why we feel the need to be positive. Its when we are afraid to have our fears confirmed. Sometimes we stay positive because the reality is much too bitter. So do not look at the positive side, like all fools and eagerly accept the invitation. Think, give time to yourself. Go over all the possible meanings and read between the lines. Carefully note the exact words, tone, muffled sounds and general expression following the invitation.

If you feel that you're getting close with one of the group members, stop for a while.
Breath in and out. Try to foresee the consequnces if the friendship develops further. Put yourself in other peoples shoes and try to understand their fear of being abandoned or left. Don't stay there for too long because they'll be matters needing your attention in your shoes too.

Always remember to keep your ears open. Listen attentively and be modest. Be open, honest and don't backbite. Don't give out a big hearty laughter when someone's being rebuked, no matter how funny the situtaion is.

Be close but don't think that just because you're friends, you need to give out all your secrets as well. Confide in Allah and you'll never regret.

posted by Niqabi at 3:45 AM | 10 caw-ments

Wednesday, August 17, 2005


Do now throw off comments left, right and center. Sometimes the slightly caustict remarks from the least important people hurt the most.

Just kill them if you hate them so much, but do not-eth speak-eth ill. Alot of people would disagree with this approach but there's nothing that can be done about a disagreement. It just stays there and eventually dies a natural death. So be patient and wait for that time.

posted by Niqabi at 10:39 AM | 7 caw-ments

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Today's 14 th of August, two thousand and five. Pakistan's birthday. Consequently, I'm experiencing bouts of patriotism...bless me.

posted by Niqabi at 3:59 AM | 4 caw-ments

Saturday, August 13, 2005

I'm starting school in exactly one day. How tragic...Oh yes, I have some bad news for...well just myself. According to a very authentic source, our school timetable will not change during our second year of A levels. Horrified? I would have loved to tell you that the news ends here but no the tragedy continues...

We will continue to have our extra sociology class on Thursdays and Saturdays. Dead? I am, in any case.

Saturday is the only day, out of the whole week that I look forward to, because we have a holiday the next day and thus another chance to put off work. But no, people like me who find happiness in little things like putting off work, have no right to be happy. Seriously, all whining aside, it really is torture to get up so early only to study a subject that most people cannot even pronounce correctly. Just for information, sociology is pronounced as:

'So co ology' or 'So so ology' and not as 'So sho ology' or 'So shio ology'. The pronunciation is same for both, American and british accents.

It leaves a sick after-effect and ruins my entire day. But the fact that I can whine here openly, greatly relieves me.

By the way I think I really need to cut down on my habit of reading everything and anything. Reading distracts me to such an extent that I'll conveniently leave my homework or bunk classes for it. And the sweet truth is that it has hardly ever helped me. My mind is quick to learn new facts but it loses them just as quickly so I dont feel like a very well read person. Its like my brain has minute holes all over it which leak information and try to keep it as empty as possible. So the bottom line is, I'm only allowed to read the daily newspaper and a few odd books. That is a self-imposed restriction.

On a completely unrelated note, a few hours ago, we had some rishta wallas for my sister. Just for the record my sister is officially engaged but because my mum suspects her to-be mother-in-law to be a witch and a half, she is trying to have some back-up plan in case some unfortunate incident occurs, for instance, the engagement breaks off. So coming back to the story, we had two ladies, a mother and a daughter at our place. Its relevent to mention that I get extremely nervous, self-conscious and generally ugly whenever we have such sort of guests. Although I've never been the object of their inspection, but its still hard. Anyway, I was trying to make small talk with the daughter which was failing desperately. After every fine minutes we were staring at each other with this overwhelming desire to talk but with no words forming in the mouth. There are no fixed rules for carrying out conversations with the rishta wallas, you can never be sure about what to say and what to keep to yourself. Most people say 'just be yourself' but if people start being themselves I don't think they'll ever get married. You have to potray yourself as an eligible, elegant, cool, down-to-earth person even if you're not. Even if you are no where near to being the the princess you're trying to be. Its hypocrisy, true but who doesn't want to get married! There's always an air of artificiallity and fakeness. You try to hide the dark side of your personality and boost the few, odd talents. Sometimes you can't even believe your own words, twisted and turned in ways that appeal even to yourself! And for a second, you start to envy yourself for being such a great person. But this illusion is short lived because...you're not!

Anyway coming back, the daughter was this fashionable girl with a stylish hair cut, silver wrist-watch and fluttering hands. My sister made her attempt at striking up a conversation and asked her about her subjects for A levels, which is the standard question asked in moments of extreme awkwardness. The buzzword English literature caught my attention and I immedietly became aware, silently thinking, that this is one subject I can boast about without having to deal with the ugly details, such as grades etc. I asked her about her course books and she gave out a few names like Chaucer and Macbeth. It wasn't turning out the way I had wanted it to, I wasn't getting any opportunity to put myself in the limelight so I rattled off a few names which I had heard from my cousin. She blinked with a note of familiarity and nodded. I then quickly added:

'English literauture is so boring and tough. How does one decipher the crap Shakespeare and Naguge's author (I so hated my memory then, I couldn't remember the name) write?'

As soon as I said that, her all-smiles face melted into an all frown one. Her eyes betrayed the rage she was hiding. She said, no its not difficult and tough, infact its a wonderful subject and I love it. The under-lying sentence was:

'And you better keep your gob shut when you don't know anything about the subject!!'

I didn't see this coming. I had only said that in hopes of trying to get her started on natural whining. Actually, I wanted her to bellow and complain like all normals kids. But she wasn't getting my drift. And this last sentence, almost fell like a bomb shell on me:
'Actually I had a distinction in English Literature in my A levels'.

God and I was thinking of boasting about a subject that wasn't even mine!

The conversation then flowed in an entirely opposite direction, she said that she was supposed to study at Stanford University and had even scored a scholarship but when the time came her parents didn't let her, as with all the parents. Presently, she's at Beaconhouse National University (BNU), doing a degree in Liberal Arts. How sad...but she sure got her message across that she's way better than me, in every way.

Eventually she left and I heaved a sigh of relif and self pity. She didn't even let me boast properly...

posted by Niqabi at 6:57 AM | 4 caw-ments

Saturday, August 06, 2005

I'm sorry people, I've been unable to provide non-stop entertainment. That is so because my stomach refuses to co-operate. It has not only left its only function of digesting food but doesn't even allow anything inside. Last night I threw up thrice. Just imagine...

Standing on the sink at 3:45 am with untied, messy hair and a sick taste in the mouth I felt so unsophisticated and...pregnant. Is that how pregnant women feel during the first 3 months? The only sane thought to cross my mind during the whole time. And yes that was a rhetorical question.

This is a far-fetched dream but one day, I will kill nausea.

The other day I was wondering about what I want to be and how I would like to end up. And just so you know, I hardly ever give a thought to my future because it doesn't seem so glamourous and kinda makes me sad. I've never had a burning desire to BE something. Just some degree in some college would do as long as I enjoy what I'm doing. My real interest is in bubble writing but after realising that it doesn't even fit in a decent category of 'hobbies' I stopped pursuing it. Why don't we have a special degree teaching different types of 'writing styles'? I know its an absolutely useless degree but then its also a wonderful way of wasting time.

Anyway, we're all being abused by the universe but I am more because I have a bad stomach and a mind that cannot think straight and has fantasies of killing nausea. No wonder I'm thinking about my future. What a life.

posted by Niqabi at 7:29 AM | 37 caw-ments

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

2 decades.

Happy birthday Aisha! May you live a long, happy, imanful life.

posted by Niqabi at 8:11 AM | 2 caw-ments

Monday, August 01, 2005

Brown saucages.

Can anyone believe its August 2005 already? I mean August 2004 can't be a year away! I can remember it so clearly. The worst month of the worst year. I have quit whining otherwise I woulda filled this page with some rotten ole' words dripping with frustration. But thats all history now and let us not dig our dark past on a public blog, aight.

I'm enjoying my summer holidays fairly well. They're somehow more bearable than all the previous ones. Although this time I didn't get to read any new books, but I'm still happy. I re-read quiet a few and I think the experience was enlightening enough for me. All I want now is to walk through a huge palace filled with books collected from all corners of the world, covering all topics under the sun and spend days reading them. I'm craving for books. I tried to quench it by reading every single page of our daily newspaper but thats not enough. Admittedly, newspapers make a good read but you always end up getting angry at one thing or other. Either its the injustice or the the undue attention to the West. I'm not biased but I think its high time news on London bombings stop making headlines. The issues in Iraq, casualties etc. have taken a place on the eleventh page of the newspaper!! We have had enough with the 56 people killed in the London undergroud Tube stations. I'm not, in any way trying to undermine the importance of human life but only angry at the unfairness of the press. Why should these 56 people be any more important than the hundred others who die every day in Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya and Kashmir? We mourn the death of those killed in suicide bombings of London and we feel sympathy for their respective families. But our hearts also go out for 1.6 million Muslims of Britain that are facing an anti-Muslim backlash and increased racial discrimination following the unfortunate event. We question the death of the 27-year old Brazilian electrician who was mistaken for a terrorist. He was only running to catch the bus, not to undo a bomb! We also question the eight shots (7 in the head and one in the shoulder) that went through his body. Supposedly, even if he was a terrorist, does it take eight gun shots to kill a person? Eight shots only on the crime of acting 'suspiciously'. Britain is sure making a head-way in justice. And oh, the country was considered a safe haven by many, they're probably having their doubts now.

So my post got a little political but so what? I mean I know this topic is everywhere, right, left and center. And alot of us have come to the point where we hardly care about others but its still is important.

But I'll end it here. For your sake.

Well I could say that I have progressed in my driving. I can drive without people staring down at me as if they're seeing some cockroach driving a car! Its a weird feeling, really. I can successfully slow the car at speed breakers and then resume the speed again without letting the car die down. I can do all these while driving, move around the road, look at the rear mirror, shift gears and occasionally glance at the houses whizzing by. I have the priviledge of saying:

"I'll drive to your house"

OK. I'm a person who tries to find happiness in small things. So don't think I'm a loser.
Please, if any one of you, have any information on this book 'Roses from the earth' by Ann Lee, let me know.

Anyway, I have to go now. I'm sorry to have bored you with my political rants but I couldn't simply write them on my private blog. Politics is to be heard - Van de Grant.

P.S: Its high time people realise that Great Britain is no more great!

posted by Niqabi at 11:19 AM | 3 caw-ments
Name: Niqabi
Location: Lahore, Pakistan
Occupation: Housewife
Religion: Islam
Interests: World War II, Jews, Hebrew, ancient sites, Muslim rule in Spain, revolutions, Vatican city and Islamic literature.
Books: The black album, Portofino, Ladies coupe, In beautiful disguises, The buddhist of Suburbia, The hidden life of Otto Frank.
Contact: niqabified [at] gmail [dot] com
Quote: "We plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners"

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