My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Lessons learnt.

Today I turned nineteen. I can never be 18, for the rest of my life. But on a more positive note, I have a whole life ahead of me, waiting for me, ready to be taken on in full swing. But if you come to think of it, years have little significance. 16, 17, 18, 19...they're all fleeting guests. Just a number, changes every year! Its the events and moments that you always cherish. I've had my fair share of wonderful memories and I'm glad. There's something celestial about being with genuine people; people who actually care. Maybe celestial seems too out of context here but thats exactly what I mean. The time spent then is eternal in some odd way. Its like a video on shuffle. It goes over and over again in your mind and you never get tired. Its a moment of bliss which becomes sweeter as the memory recedes into history. Probably I'll never be able to explain this in words well but that doesn't matter. If its something you can hold onto in times of distress and learn from, then thats what counts. Through the course of my seemingly orderly and uninterrupted life, I have learnt quite a bit. Happiness is something that has to be found. It will not, I repeat not, I repeat again not, crawl to you, or for that matter drive to you. It'll always stay put, hidden behind the smallest of actions, words, gestures, glances and even frowns. There are people out there who walk around with shadows of tragedies and yet you never see them without a smile. They have every reason on earth to be depressed, hurt or sad and yet they decide to keep up their hopes high. Its not that they don't care enough, they just make a positive choice. I know from experience and otherwise, that one can never have enough of anything. This goes out for practically everything. Human beings can't achieve excellence, perfection, pinnacle of success; there will always be room for improvement. So aiming for something you are not designed to have, is common but problematic, to say the least. I'm not implying any sense of failure or discouragement here. My point is...play along. One must learn to let go. Sometimes you're so blinded by your own love, that you just can't disgest the fact of someone not loving you back. Your own intensely powerful love for someone cannot, in any way, be an assurity of reciprocation. If someone's been only vageuly in love, they'll know what I mean.

Although this has got nothing to do with me turning nineteen today, lol. I felt like telling something that I've concluded. Its very important for one to be happy. Because happiness can do wonders for the soul. It can bring out the best in you, the good in you, the original in you. And its not a winning-an-award or getting-an-iPod kind of happiness. Because that one doesn't last. Its more like a drug, works on for a few hours, maybe couple of days but eventually it wears off. I'm talking about the everyday happiness, one that you feel on a daily basis. It has to be achieved, every time. And its only when you're hopeful and positive that you get to enjoy. I'm yet to hear about someone who's distressed, gloomy but happy. Its in our mental framework, how we decide to bolt the attitude. If we can learn to take life less seriously and move on, it'll save us alot of mental trouble. Its just too short and fast to be wasted. You know...opportunities are going to pop up all your life. They'll show up, every now and then and if you've truly put your heart into staying hopeful, you can avail them too. You just will, because Allah never disappoints.

posted by Niqabi at 3:29 PM | 8 caw-ments

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

General news

I have written quite a many posts in this one month that I have not updated. But reading them now, I realise that not one of them is up to the standard or well, they're all just too petty and lame. Although during this process of not blogging all the nitty ditty details of my oh-so-eventful life, I have been able to achieve the single most important objective; my blog revolves around my life rather than it being the other way around. But just today I was reading in an article somewhere how writing has helped people to heal, in emotional terms. Not that I have any 'traumas' or tragedies to battle with, but for the sake of publishing something, I'm here.

Major news first, I just got through with my mocks and I have this weekend for a little recreation, even if only self-proclaimed. A very dear cousin recently got married, actually some time in the middle of my mocks. Other than the ill-timing, it was a sweet affair. I actually enjoyed the wedding, something I have never experienced before, lol. Probably because I'm never in the attention wing in all the previous weddings that I have attended so far. The bride and groom have always seemed so distant and so above everything. But this time around, it felt very homely. I've had the time and opportunity to closely observe a few people in my life that are somewhat close to me. I've discovered traits and attitudes previously unknown and undelt. You can't oversee these aspects in advance, you can only see them clearly when you're completely submerged in the affairs. So I guess there is always something about someone that startles one at some point in life. Actually, its just a matter of time. Give everything time and it'll all be clear to you. Rushing into something and then backing down is only a hurtful path. We should all be very careful.

My parents are not in the country so I'm usually on my own these days. The independance was exhilarting, but only for a short while. You have to do everything yourself, you're your own plan-maker, make your own decisions, sleep in late, stay awake all night long, sit and do nothing at all, all day long...then what? That's all there is to it. The freedom is prized yes but on most occasions only because its something that seems unattainable. I thought if I could get some degree of independance, it would do me alot of mental good. But I think it did not. I'll always need someone to look after me. I wonder how my husband will cope. I don't know but I've become very, very lazy. And I hate that. I can't get anything done in time these days. I'm going on 19 and I expect myself to be regular and attentive, atleast to my own affairs. But guess what...I'm not bothered! I hope I don't become the brat that I see myself becoming! Must...change.

USA is planning on to attack Iran. When reporters ask Bush or his cabinet members about this rumour, they're very careful in revealing information about it. They know for sure that once its announced, terrorism will escalate world over. So they're trying to keep it a low-key affair (when its anything but that) and are just concentrating on convincing the Dumb on how important it is to carry yet another war on a Muslim country. The war's next year, if you ask me. Can anyone believe that? Weapons of mass destruction...some garbage it was. Its the twenty first century and a world super power is on a killing spree, without even giving so much as a proof. The worst part is when it tries to explain its tyranny. I know alot has been said and written but...there's hardly any change, eh. USA invaded Afghanistan, rained down bombs on cities after cities, wrecked the entire country and even four years after the invasion and restless occupation, they still haven't achieved what they set out for; catching Osama Bin Laden. He's still somewhere, hiding and planning on something, still a mystery. Next it was Iraq's turn, Saddam Hussein happened to be in possession of weapons of mass destruction. USA also had the WMD but it was alright for them because they used it for peaceful purposes like bombing Muslim countries. For committing the grave sin of possesing non-existent weapons and appearing suspicious, the iraqi civilians were killed mercilessly. Cities were plundered, mosques were targeted and life was crippled. Its unfashionable to ask whether the WMD were actually found or not because that is plain irrelevant. What's relevant is that the Iraqi people have achieved freedom from a cruel dictator even if only at the expence of their loved ones. They should be thankful for the American army that came forward out of nowhere, chewing gums, like angels from heaven and rescused them and now they're living in a state where they're even afraid to venture out on the streets in fear of being killed or kidnapped. But its worth it because Saddam Hussein is no longer running the office, instead its people who are America's puppies and will do anything to serve the interests of their Boss; Bush. That sounds like a fairly democratic goverment, no? Oh and by the way, the americans will have unlimited acess to Iraq's oil. That wasn't part of the plan but just a mere coincidence. Bush is a man of God and upholds humane values. Yeah right.

posted by Niqabi at 3:01 AM | 3 caw-ments
Name: Niqabi
Location: Lahore, Pakistan
Occupation: Housewife
Religion: Islam
Interests: World War II, Jews, Hebrew, ancient sites, Muslim rule in Spain, revolutions, Vatican city and Islamic literature.
Books: The black album, Portofino, Ladies coupe, In beautiful disguises, The buddhist of Suburbia, The hidden life of Otto Frank.
Contact: niqabified [at] gmail [dot] com
Quote: "We plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners"

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