Million Miles

My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Two years ago I used to talk to this Australian girl who wanted to embrace Islam. At that time she was still studying about it, so I helped her out in any way I could. We exchanged a total of about 10-15 emails in a months' time and used to talk for long hours on MSN. She was at some university in Sydney, probably second year of her bachelors. At her university she met this Muslim guy...Husband. He is a Pakistani, but born and bred in Australia. I figured that Rehan directed her towards Islam. While being interested in Islam, she also wanted to know everything about Pakistan and its culture. Thats when I came. I formed detailed e-mails that covered just about everything on Pakistan, its colonial history, the culture, the language, the people, the places, the attitudes, the rituals, the Pakistani Islam etc. and sent them to her. I used to be very particular and regular in these teaching history lessons cum emails. I think I preferred teaching her urdu over my homework. And I suffered greatly because of this. Because of my heavy internet addiction. It all took its toll on my studies. They didn't matter to me, at all. I thought knowing about people and interacting was priceless and studies could be resumed at any time in my life, but clearly just not that. So I just typed my days away and was in a state of bliss. Anyway, lets not deviate from the point.

I stopped emailing her regularly after a short time of 3-4 months and eventually fell out of touch. I kept a track of her life from her internet nicks. One fine day, it was 'married'. I sent her an email filled with congratulations. She had accepted Islam and was very practising or so it seemed. Then around a few months from now, her nick was changed to 'delivery today insha'Allah' and then finally 'baby boy!!!' So I followed the circle from her reversion to Islam to the birth of her son. It felt complete and satisfying. And now after the birth of her son, she's been writing about the progres that he makes as a human being; 'baby's first step', 'baby's first word' etc etc. Last night her nick was ' life is so depressing' and that made me worried. She was NEVER sad/depressed or any of the other synonyms. She was generally very bubbly and talkative. So I decided to renew the long chat sessions, even though I'm just a week away from my send-ups. This is how it went and it completely broke me to learn about her 'ultra-religious, pakistani' in-laws.

????? says: [smiley]
????? says:Thanks for the msg before. Are you available to talk
?????? says:I just need to ask you a few things..
????? says:Alhamdulillah
????? says:Sis... I have a problem
????? says:
????? says:You know I'm married to a paki brother right
?????? says:Well.. we've just told his parents we wish to move out and they've gone crazy..
????? says:I don't know what to do
?????? says:His Dad is saying that we don't do this in our culture
????? says:n his mother is balling her eyes out
????? says:Mother
????? says:But this isn't islam sis
????? says:No.. I know.. he's the only son,
????? says:But so
?????? says:This is my right..
????? says:I can't take it anymore
????? says:I'm considering asking for a divorce
????? says:He said.. he doesn't think his Mum can handle it
????? says:So he thinks it's best if we stay
????? says:But I can assure you I've cried more
????? says:I don't want to disrespect his parents
????? says:But if it was going to be this way, why didn't anyone tell me in the beginning?
????? says:She won't talk to me

????? says:But sis.. my husband is religous masha'Allah, but he won't go against his mother and she's made it very clear where she wants him to be
????? says:Just lcoally
????? says:No
????? says:She was thinking inter-state.. n started crying even more.. but what about my parents
?????? says:They live far away
????? says:And they can't come and visit me because we don't have our own place
????? says:They live 16 hours away
????? says:She said that because we're close it's worse..
????? says:Because there shouldn't be a need to move out
????? says:But I need my own privacy
????? says:Quite honestly I'm sick of being interrupted all the time
????? says:And being expected to cook and clean for everyone
????? says:My SIL treats me like a slave
????? says:and leaves her 4 kids for me to watch

????? says:Without asking me.. because that's the paki "Culture"
????? says:Mind you, she wears niqab.. I am so confused
????? says:I have to wear hijab all the time in my OWN house because my brother in laws are always over
????? says:I'm not sis
????? says:I know my rights ..
????? says:That's why I am upset, because this is my husbands obligation
????? says:He told his Mum and she said "then I'll tell them not to come"
????? says:Sis, she goes to a shariah college.
????? says:She learns about all this!
????? says:She'll tell her daughters (and their husbands) not to come
????? says:I personally think that's unfair
????? says:Because it's their parents
????? says:Yes
????? says:Thank you sis
????? says:This has been happening for a long, long time sis
????? says:I have manic depression because of it
????? says:n my doctor told me to move out..
????? says:She said that it was best..
????? says:I feel like I am a servant, seriously
????? says:We've been married almost 2 years
????? says:Why is it the culture to expect daughter in laws to do these things?
????? says:I had a baby, n 2 days later I'm scrubbing the floor
????? says:Why?
????? says:That's crap
????? says:WHY
?????? says:It's not islam
????? says:What's wrong with these people?
????? says:Very..
????? says:Even islamically
????? says:I don't want to commit ghiba, but yes and no
????? says:I mean, my mother in law prayers, but she covers with a dupatta
????? says:You know? It upsets me..
????? says:Because it's like they preach islam, but aren't prepared to do things the right away
????? says:She goes to a shariah college.. I mean, that's just not making sense to me
????? says:If you learn, you apply
????? says:There is none of this going on in this house
????? says:They act all religious on the outside, but aren't on the inside
????? says:You know sis.. my husband is giving money to his mother and my son and I are going without
????? says:My husband has bought one lot of nappies for him since he was born
????? says:n that's it
????? says:My husband goes on tabligh, but when it comes to his mother.. I am left on the side, and so is islam
????? says:He gave his mother 3/4 of our money one week and we were left with 100 for 2 weeks..
????? says:I said I was going to go back to work and he went crazy.. said no. But what choice am I left with? I have to provide for myself.. and my son
????? says:Maybe if it comes to that.. then we can get your Mum to talk to her.. insha'Allah.
????? says:But we'll see how it goes. Perhaps it was just the initial shock of finding out her son is leaving?
????? says:We were supposed to go this month, his cousin is getting married and they are very close but my husband can't go.
????? says:I was going to go with my Father in law, but I didn't want to go by myself
????? says:He just got a job with IBM..
????? says:So he has to start that
????? says:Alhamdulillah
????? says:My inlaws were just there
????? says:They came back last week
????? says:My SIL is in Karachi now
????? says:She didnt, but my Father in law did
????? says:Insha'Allah we're planning to come for Eid next year
????? says:September
????? says:
????? says:Insha'Allah
????? says:No..
????? says:It isn't common for women jamaat
????? says:(here)
????? says:There aren't enough women involved
????? says:It happens once a year
????? says:Really?
????? says:Ooh masha'Allah
????? says:Yes, I think I met them
????? says:Yes.. I think so
????? says:I cooked them food when they were at our masjid
hehe
????? says:I learnt to cook paki food
????? says:
????? says:I know
????? says:I am the maid
????? says:My Mother in law was saying to my husband that when she was young she stayed with her in laws n I said, yes, but you had maids
????? says:You had people to clean and mop and take care of your kids
????? says:and cook
????? says:I have enough trouble taking care of my son.. let alone having the sole responsibility of everything else
???? says:I haven't ironed clothes in a month because I have no time
????? says:My SIL had a baby recently
????? says:n I was watching 8 kids on my own
????? says:That's why I need my own place
????? says:Sometimes I can't even be bothered to pray because I am so exhausted
????? says:n it shouldn't be like that
????? says:Yes
????? says:Well, I know my deen alhamdulillah
????? says:So they picked the wrong one
????? says:You know sis I was sleeping once (I was 8 months pregnant) and we had guests come over at like 9pm. My Mother in law woke me up to make chai and food
????? says:I feel so used
????? says:and so hurt
????? says:They are good people sis, don't get me wrong. But they are stuck on this culture
????? says:n it upsets me..

????? says:I know..
????? says:I told my husband that I didn't want my kids growing up in this house believe that this is the way islam is
????? says:Well, he was the one who woke me up
????? says:If his Mum asks, he does it
????? says:Sorry sis, I'm going to have to go.It's almost 2am.. I have to see my friend tomorrow..
????? says:I am going home on Sunday for 3 months
????? says:I am thinking to go back to school
????? says:n my Mum will watch my son
????? says:I will only go one day a week
????? says:Oh
????? says:Another thing
????? says:Is it common for the MIL to watch the kids for the daughter?
????? says:I thought so..
????? says:My MIL has never watched my son
????? says:So I wonder which part of her culture she wants to live by
????? says:Sometimes I think they pick the bits they like
????? says:And leave the rest

????? says:Thank you so much
????? says:
????? says:Yup
????? says:Mobile :********
????? says:***********************
????? says:Australia
????? says:I don't know what it is
????? says:I will email it when I arrive
????? says:At my parents house
????? says:Coz I am leaving in 2 days
????? says:Insha'Allah I will
????? says:I will email you
????? says:Please don't speak to anyone else about this
????? says:You can talk to your mUm
????? says:Yes, that's fine
????? says:
????? says:Insha'Allah
????? says:Must go. JazakAllah khair for the chat
????? says:Insha'Allah I'll email you .. let you know what happens
????? says:
????? says:Take care..
????? says:Assalaamo alaikum sis

SIL- sister-in-law , MIL- mother-in-law

posted by Niqabi at 7:56 AM

6 Comments:

Niqabi said...

Its sad, isn't it. I'm trying to talk her out of divorce and praying that things get better.

'Personally, I would NEVER want to live with my parents unless they were living in my house, under my rules'.

Thats a bit hard to follow in real life. Parents are parents and they don't live by anybods rules, just theirs. You'd be lucky to have your parents living in your house with your rules. People get cranky with age, eh.

But nice to know you're sensible enough to understand the friction. I think men need to be given special training on the treatment of women. They seriously don't know how to strike a balance, how to handle a mother and a wife. Its complicated because there are always so many expectations and just one confused guy.

8:49 AM

mayya said...

Salaams
such a terrible thing to make a convert go through in the name of culture *sigh*
hmm maybe if she takes a strong stand and clearly tells her in-laws that she'll leave and leave her son with them to look after and there will be no one to work and since her son is her hubby's responsibility, they might get their act together. A wife is supposed to take care of her husband only, the rest are silah-e-rehmi's relations its upto her to do their chores
I'll definitely remember this lady in my prayers

4:57 AM

Niqabi said...

Salaams,

Rai: I don't think she's exaggerating, I don't see any reason why she would...
And besides, as far as the 'possibility' is concerned, yes thats can happen outside of India too. Thanks for the comment, anyway :)

Beautiful Stranger: Jazakallah for the kind words and i love you, lol.

Mayya: Welcome girle! Thanks for dropping by. And well just so you know I talked to my friend a few days ago and apparently everything's been settled. She had a loooong chat with her MIL who apologised for her unreasonable behaviour and now they're both shoppin for her new house. Alhamdolilah, maybe the duas did the trick.

9:53 AM

mayya said...

Alhumdullillah :))))
Don't you just love it when Allah grants you what you prayed for before you even get up from the prayer mat ...

converts should be treated very very delicately and with lots of care especially women who go against their families to convert

11:29 PM

Umar said...

alhumdulillah, it seems to have worked out for the best.

I find it interesting (and wierd at the same time) that the husband is a tablighi and acting in the manner he did.
Sure, parents have rights on their son, but so does the wife... and waking up your 8-month pregnant wife to make tea is just plain wrong. Islam doesn't have to tell you that... common sense does.

9:39 AM

Umar said...

btw, it seems like you removed all of what you had to say in the MSN conversation, which made it a bit confusing

9:47 AM