Million Miles

My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

I'll get better. This will get better. That will get better. Things will get better. Life will get better. It'll change. It'll be alright. It'll be okay. Everything will be fine. We live in a world where people are constantly looking for happiness. We're all structured that way. We want to be happy no matter what, no matter how adverse our circumstances are. We all believe that happiness is our rightful share, we deserve it. But how to go about getting it...? That's the million-dollar question that needs a quick solution. And no doubt so many people over years and centuries have tried coming up with answers to it; practical and easy. But I wonder that amidst this chaos and clash of knowledge and information, we often lose track of reality. Things are painted over and over again in so many different colours, that we even forget the original. Every single day of the week, we give so much false hope to each other, without even knowing a quarter of another's porblem. We give hope because we fear that if hopelessness lasts, it will eventually infect us with depression. Some times we comfort each other for our own survival. Isn't that so? I don't even know why pretension disgusts me so much. Even though I know, that at some point or at some level it is necessary for us. But I just can't help it.

Anyway, I write a lot of nonsensical paragraphs that flow into one another without making any sense at all. Its just a way of unloading my thoughts, that are not even intelligent. Its not like I'm a great philosopher pondering over the mysteries of life, no its not that. Its nothing close to it because what I write has no depth and no meaning. Its simply my own confusion being poured out in different words and ways. I start out with something about myself and end up wrting about the entire human race. Digression. Big Time, I tell you.

Anyway, I was saying that I want to know if my life really will get better. I'm not looking for predictions but something more solid. Like...yes you're life will get better. Its not that bad or horrible as it may seem alot of times, its just that its not the way I want it to be. I'm not even married as yet but I think I'm mature enough to decide what way of life to adopt. There are so many choices that you almost start believing that there really are more straight paths than one. But in reality, there's only one. And one alone, which is simple and without any traces of falsehood. I want to adopt that way of life. But it requires so much strength and energy. I have the willingness without the energy of carrying it through. I don't want to start out with something really religious and then end up being a rebellious cow. Because I fear that. I fear from my own rebellion which is very strong. I don't take things as soon as they are layed before me. My first reaction is to condemn no matter what. I'm not submit-at-my-will type. And if you'd know, Islam means submission. So I'm working hard on taming this trait of mine and want to take it to the level where I accept whatever Islam says. Hopefully, I pray and you pray that I succeed. I feel selfish writing about myself in such great details, as if I'm being paid to write but I'm sorry, this is my blog. So there you are, with a perfectly self-obsessed blog. Written and edited by Me.

posted by Niqabi at 4:55 AM

6 Comments:

Unknown said...

Niqabi...u talk abt false hope because of the azeem wave of depression and hopelessness that washes over u at times...a wave in the midst of which u see...u know for a fact that certain paths u see before u are straight but void of meaning...u think that u know the way and then later down the lane, u realise that another came to the same place u did but without the same problems or even an iota of the bag of bones u carry and that depresses the hell outta u...
how do i know this? cuz i bin thru all these roads and i KNOW fer a fact that there is NO ONE straight road...all roads are good as long as we dare to walk them...some of us will die along the way, some lose ourselves, but whose to say that even that is BAD? Who is to judge what is bad or not? I know Im generalising but trust me, all judgement is prejudice of one form or the other...

anyways..kiddo, ull be fine...trust me. The key is honor, ur own version of the truth, ur own honesty and perseverance...and in the end ur love...
wasslam!

3:07 PM

Niqabi said...

lol@azeem wave of depression and hopelessness, that is true, I agree. Its just the 'age of confusion' I think that most of us go through. You're years ahead of me and hence more wise. Insha'Allah I'm sure I'll end up with some form contentment too.

Jazakallah for the comforting words, your advice is very much in need. :)

9:31 AM

Anonymous said...

Usman and wise!!!!!!!!naaaaaaaa!!!lol.... he is right this will just pass or better still phase out. i think this is animportant part of self discovery and realization. Needed to form some solid opinions in life and about life.We have to learn the truths of life if its the hard way i think it is better!

10:30 AM

zaza said...

mashallah you write so well.
it WILL pass girl, it WILL, take it from me. at the end of a dark tunnel, there is always light, shining bright.

2:03 AM

Niqabi said...

Moiz: oh is he not wise? Its probably just the way he writes, he 'seems' so full of wisdom and experiences. Thank you for the comment.

DrPak: lol@three doctors. Its truly a priviledge Dear Doctor. I feel honoured by the medical and undivided attention in the form of commets you all have been giving me. Thank you :)

Zab: Yeah, I agree. Its just taking a 'lil' time.:)

5:23 AM

Unknown said...

Screw u, Moiz...lol
Niqabi! I took care of this arse for 5 years. So as far as his saying he doesn't think I'm smart, he can go and take a pole up his!

Drpak sahib! Mara kabhee kabhee serious baten karni partee hain...

4:35 PM