Million Miles

My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Assalamualykum People,

I'm missing someone but I can't seem to figure out who. Have you ever experienced a meaningless emptiness? Kind of like when someone you love leaves his seat for a while. You know that unreasonable, demanding yet genuine...yearning? I'm not sure if its meaningless or not but thats how it feels like. Its really strange because that feeling is very strong, almost staggering. And I have no idea as to who that person is. I think its my age. It must be, I'm 18 years old. People are having crushes left, right and center. I'm probably going through a more toned-down version of crush, only that I don't know my crush!

I'm hoping its the cliched spiritual emptiness that Great Thinkers go through at least once in their lifetime, which then becomes a major turning point of their lives. The point from where they go on to achieve the Big Things. I hope I'm yearning for a stronger relationship with Allah because that's the only one that lasts. The only one that comes without heartache and expectations. The only one that gives unrelenting satisfaction. I don't know how far honest I am with myself, anymore. Do I prefer to have a relationship with Allah because I'm afraid of having one with people? Is it because I cannot deal with the pressue of being with someone who reciprocates? Because of my inability to strike a balance in life in general and relationships in particular? Frankly, I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just doing it as a defence mechanism. As a way of steering myself clear from trouble. But that's not natural, is it? That's not even the point. The concept of loving Allah runs almost perpendicular to loving people. Its beyond comparison. They form two, different dimensions, but both can be practised alongside? Is that true?

Well if we forget everything written above, I just have one question, the feeling of wanting to love human beings and be loved by human beings is innate in all human beings?

posted by Niqabi at 12:05 PM

8 Comments:

Reza said...

I feel the emptiness that you speak of since I was 19 and I still feel it today. Over the years, I've come to realize it is more of a lonliness that is doing it. I feel empty because I do want some to love and someone to love me and I think that with age that feeling grows. Its normal I think. The feeling is inborn and innate. At some point in our lives we crave for being something to someone at some point of our lives. Some get it sooner.. Some later. For me it started in my teens. Still continues today.

5:59 PM

Reza said...

Btw just to clear this, my parents do love me and a lot of love indeed. I was talking about another kind of love. I know Allah is content with me too. So its not that kind of love either.

6:00 PM

Anonymous said...

awwwwww ur post rocks!
i feel like that all the time but chin up, dont let it crush you! :( love always from zainab

12:48 PM

Niqabi said...

Reza: You do too? Atleast I'm not the only one going through it! Yes, I guess its got more to do with loneliness and its normal too, I know. I know what kind of love you speak of, I understand that completely:)

Rai: You mean it's not innate? I don't know if I agree with you there or not, but to each their own. You concluded that I'm an introvert? Am I really, I often wonder.

Suleman: Jazakallah for the comment. Really liked your duas, loads of Ameen and I pray the same for you too :)

Zainab: hehe, alhamdolilah the feeling is only felt sometimes and i hope i'll get past it. Jazakallah for dropping by to comment. Loads of love for you too :)

9:06 AM

Anonymous said...

i thot this might interest u

7:56 PM

Anonymous said...

hahha...wow, wonderful article! A real opener. I guess I am an introvert...

11:22 PM

Anonymous said...

I dont know why you have to complicate things so much - You need a boyfriend/husband. Simple as that.

9:08 PM

Niqabi said...

hahhahahahah, bingo! You got it right! I wouldn't have killed you if you had revealed your identity!lol

11:16 AM