Million Miles

My ventilator. Read, comment and judge me not.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Someone telling you that they care for you genuinely, without any reasons, any strings attached, is one of the most wonderful feelings on earth. I'm too careful with intimacy, it seriously scares me because I feel very inadequate. I'm afraid of either putting too much effort or not being bothered at all. Love does come naturally, but the handling doesn't. Some learn with experience, some get shelled in out of fear of rejection and betrayal somewhere down the lane. I'm part of the latter group. I've spent a good part of my life sheltering awar from intimacy. It requires of us to become vulnerable to a certain degree, to bring down our defences and let the world see through us. I've never reached that point in my life because I'm just too insecure and unsure of myself. This is not to say that I have low self-worth. I don't even know what it really is, because according to psychology low self-esteem breeds lack of confidence and habits of seclusion. I do have them from time to time, but its not consistent. My confidence is always fluctuating, it has got more to do with people, rather than my own experiences. I might come across as a very confident, daring person at one time, while a complete nut-case, coward little child at another. I often feel that there is something gravely wrong with me. Its no use going over the internet with this thought because I'd probably end up diagnosing myself deadly disorders that just sound funny.

So coming back to the point, its an amazingly incredible moment when someone tells you that they truly care for you, for reasons they don't even know themselves. I never knew such a thing existed. I mean I've lived life and I've been with people of all sorts (almost!), I know quiet alot about natural human instincts and ways and to top it all, I have a scrutinizing eye that searches blank expressions for meanings and pursed lips for words...yeah so I guess I can say that I'm vaguely aware of how an average human being functions. And the jist of my conclusion is that this world is structured around using people for its own advantage. Its everywhere, just go outside in the sun, run into any crowded place swarming with people and you'd find yourself nodding your head rhythmically, astonished at my prediction. Isolating others from my generalisation, I've been through this myself. No, not in taking advantage but in being taken advantage of and the people who think that I don't realise that are well...just plain dumb. So no one should really blame me for forming this highly eccentric view of concern. Unfortunetly for me, I've only been exposed to the ugly side of concern. It is warm and loving but behind it is always a motive that you wouldn't want to dig out. Quite naturally, thats why when someone today said something to the effect that she really cares for me, I was slightly taken aback because I did not expect it to be this pure. That certain person had voiced this numerous times before as well but I always let the loving comment pass because I thought it was a one-time remark made out of courtesy or plain pity. I did not believe it in the first place, even when I desperately wanted to. I wanted to hold onto it but I deliberately refrained as I thought it was said only because of the loved-up mood of the moment. I did not realise that certain someone who I've known only for a year could become so selflessly close to actually care for me! Its a whole new concept for me and admittedly I'm glowing in the knowledge of this fact. I've harboured this misconcetion about that person for as long as I can remember, but I could never find the guts to ask, because there was this fear of appearing too stupid. But today I thought I'll just throw my hand in the cold, shiver and come back all aware! Fortunetly, as it turns out...I am aware and I am happy. Jazakallah for adding something warm to someone's life.

posted by Niqabi at 12:39 PM

5 Comments:

Saad F'akhtar said...

hahaha...i'm teachign A'level sociology and yes i'm a guy. why you asking?! i'm in karachi btw.

11:21 PM

Unknown said...

i hope that person whoever said it has a happy life herself...it's nice to care abt others! its difficult but some ppl can just do it like that...usman

5:25 AM

Hasnain said...

A nice, heartfelt piece. It's hard to find people who are genuinely caring...you should never let them go.

7:24 AM

Niqabi said...

Saad: I'll reply to you on your email but thanx for droppin by.

Usman: Even if her life isn't, I wish and pray that it is full of nothing but happiness. I really, really like her :)

Suleman: Jazakallah for the words. I know, it'll pass. Everything changes and so will I, for the better hopefully.

Hasnain:
Jazakallah Sir! I've been told about your exceptional writing skills. Nice to have you here :)

8:02 AM

mayya said...

awww there was so much you wrote I could relate to :)
being taken advantage of naturally makes us go in our shells and wall up, and being apprehensive about letting anyone else being intimate to one's feelings and emotions does scare us off, but what we aren't optimistic about is the fact that "what if it actually is genuine and heartfelt" we can't let go of something just because we're scared its going to fail, what if it succeeds..
one very special thing which women have is 6th sense. Trust it, if it gives a scary feeling and insecurity, back off and if despite the odds it makes your heart glow, trust the other person :) and then Allah is always there to take care of you :)

4:49 AM