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Thursday, January 27, 2005
Resolves
Something has touched chords within me and I have decided to change myself. My senses have swum back to reality which is very rare and Insha'Allah I'm going to consider myself seriously. I've been too busy, careless rather since the last seventeen years, not paying much attention to myself.
I don't want to wake up in the mornings with cloudy, depressed feelings- desperate and bewildered. The awful hopelessness of everything makes me sick! The depression or whatever it is, pressed like a heavy stone upon me, with small horizons and little hope left.I'm not just talking about myself, even if someone else feels the same way, my heart aches, quiet literally !
I know putting this resolve(which is not even a resolve since I'm yet to define 'what' measures I'll be taking) into action is actually much more complex and difficult then its mere foundation.But let's see. Not that anyone cares about it, least of all YOU ! I've talked at length with myself, by conducting an internal dialogue and with my poor cousinss about all this stuff a few million times before, but talking never helps unless you DO something about it ! And thats usually where I loose my marks.Okay I'm seriously struggling to say something practical but my mind is so cluttered with crap collected from all over the world that I just can't think of anything at the moment. I'm actually amazed at myself for even writing this because I would never condemn myself:P I'm so full of self-love, you see. When there aren't many people to love you, you start loving yourself, thats the best way to come to terms with the reality, I think.
To start with, I'm going to let all the harsh words and ta'anas from practically everyone , bounce right off me :P I will ventilate myself wherever and with whomever I want to, it doesn't necessarily has to be my cousin-I understand how I've eaten her head over the years with my constant theories and non practical ideas. Alot of people in this world are simply not worth getting so upset about.Some people are too stupid for words and they better not be given any thought. I have to accept the fact that misfortunes never come singly.Its natural for my heart and mind to be at constant war with each other. I should not think too much because then I don't make much sense.
And now that I'm reading this post after a couple of days, it seems to be the most boring post on blogspot, arghh !
posted by Niqabi at 7:45 AM
3 Comments:
ATY said...
well u do have a problem with facig life...i've noticed that a few times..but i don't think ur cousin hates u, nor do i believe that there are people in the world who don't love u as soon as they get to know u.
u don't have any faith in urself at all, girl! u don't seem like that to me...not for one second...just a little word of advice here...just open up and c what a wonderful person u r...and all ur worries will evaporate...and above all count ur bessings, especially ur cousin who's been a friend thru thick and thin...that's something most people would give their right arm for (at leats i wud)
4:44 AM
Niqabi said...
Okay...I'm speechless.
ATY: I'm truly thankful to Allah for 'blessing' me with a cousin like cousiness, lol but I wouldn't go as far as to give my right hand for that ! :P (joking, ok!) But the thing is that I never said she 'hated' me ! I mean, common Its not 'thaaaat' hard to bear me company!She's probably never hinted anything of that sort(or maybe she has but i didnt notice!) , so I'm not blaming anyone for anything.Insha'Allah I'll try to open up, by the way I'm pretty open and sometimes seem to be a bit rude(which I know very well !) but khyr the me being wonderful part, I fervently support THAT one ! :P
Anyway, jazakallah for everything, for coming to my blog, for commenting, for being my frd at school, for giving me those looks and for simply being yourself.
salaams, have a nice day dahling !
10:59 AM
Niqabi said...
oh yeah and I'm a loser as well to be reading this all over again. I'm sorry abt not replyng to your sweet comment. I don't even remember why I didn't. I should have. I know. Insha'Allah I'll post sommet abt it so no worries!
8:23 AM
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Profile
Name: Niqabi
Location: Lahore, Pakistan
Occupation: Housewife
Religion: Islam
Interests: World War II, Jews, Hebrew, ancient sites, Muslim rule in Spain, revolutions, Vatican city and Islamic literature.
Books: The black album, Portofino, Ladies coupe, In beautiful disguises, The buddhist of Suburbia, The hidden life of Otto Frank.
Contact: niqabified [at] gmail [dot] com
Quote: "We plan and Allah plans and Allah is the best of planners"
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